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Thursday, December 17, 2020
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Sunday, April 26, 2020
THE END OF THE APOCALYPSE (AS WE KNOW IT)!!!
4/26/2020
Well, it's been a while. I haven't really kept up with this beast in some time. Totally by lack of trying, I can assure you. I know. You heard right. I've just been too fucking lazy. Had a lot of other shit to do and quite frankly, keeping up to date with a blog that nobody reads was near the bottom of my list. That's not to say there is a shortage of things to bitch about. There is certainly plenty of that. Let's see. Where to begin.
We'll begin with the obvious choice. The PANDEMIC. This overrated SHIT-STORM that everybody seemed to think would bring about the end of the world. What a fucking let-down that turned out to be, right? This was no apocalypse. Don't misunderstand me. I hate it. Everyone hates it. I suppose some of the good that's come out of it as a result is that it's pulled most of the focus away from the fucking Johnny Depp/Amber Heard horseshit. I'm so god damned tired of hearing about those two god damned heathens. I've read enough articles about Amber Heard screwing Elon Musk to fill an entire sub-volume of one of those horrible Fifty Shits of Grey books, and if I have to listen to another dramatic reading of Johnny Depp's text messages about fucking Amber Heard's charred corpse, I'm going to set fire to my own nuts. It's sickening and I'm tired of it. So, there is that.
Oh, yeah. Also, since the pandemic began on this continent and they started shutting everything down, traffic has been light-years better. That's fine by me. I'll take a bit of coughing and dry-heaving any day if it means I don't have to sit in the same fucking spot on the 91 freeway in Corona for thirty minutes staring at a fucking Pechanga billboard with Engelbert Humperdinck's hideous face on it. If I want to see a zombie, I'll go home and stream The Walking Dead on Netflix.
Now, back onto this pandemic shit. Gotta say, I'm extremely disappointed. This "end of the world" nonsense ain't what it was cracked up to be. We are what? Barely more than a month and a half in and this virus seems to be moving as slow as a fucking special Olympics golfing tournament for elderly cerebral palsy patients. What a let-down. I thought this was going to be way more exciting like in The Stand, or I Am Legend. Instead it reminds me a lot more of that horrible 90's Fox cit-com Whoops, where nuclear war killed most of the earth's population except for a small handful of annoying people in a tiny farmhouse in Utah. (I think it was Utah. I don't fucking remember. I never watched more than five minutes of the series. I guess I just hated it so much that I WANTED it to be in Utah, because I DETEST Utah.)
Anyway, people are still talking about how much things have changed since this started. God damn lying heathens in the news media keep ramming phrases like "the new normal," down our throats. Go fuck yourself, CNN. Kiss my ass, Fox News. Piss off, Yahoo. There is no "new normal." Okay, so we have to stand six feet apart now whenever we go stand in line at 7-Eleven. When we venture outside we are all expected to wear masks and gloves. Seriously, who gives a damn? Big fucking deal. Some people were already wearing masks even before this started. I can distinctly recall seeing that type of shit as far back as two years ago. It was a lot less people, but it definitely WAS happening. Now it's everybody. Or at least it's supposed to be. Unless of course you work at Hobby Lobby. Those fucking assholes are probably running through the streets stark-naked as we speak. Fuck em. Let em get sick. Let em die. We need less Bible-thumping heathens in this country to make room for more undocumented immigrants. I'm cool with that.
All that talk. "We will come out of this stronger. Better. This will be a new beginning. Society will be reset." Hell, even I believed it. For five minutes anyway. Then the TV and Internet news started spreading all the panic. ALL OF THEM DID THIS. Don't try to deny it. Regardless of whether you are liberal or conservative, you all damn well know that it was happening on BOTH sides of the fence. Some corporately-owned whorehouse like Fox News or CNN or Yahoo or MSNBC or Christian-Cracker-Jack-Box-Chronicle or some other such ragamuffin printed something like "4 BILLION PEOPLE EXPECTED TO DIE FROM CORONA-VIRUS BY MID-APRIL 2020."
Of course everyone saw that and they shit themselves. Then they IMMEDIATELY drove to the nearest grocery store. They didn't even wipe their asses first. They just RAN out to their cars. Maybe that's why they hoarded up all the toilet paper. They were so fucking terrified that they couldn't stop shitting in their boxer shorts.
Seriously, though, what in the fucking hell? ASS-WIPES, indeed. Of all the shit that you could hoard (no pun intended), we buy up all the ass-wipes?
Why?
Why?
Why?
And furthermore ... WHY?
Oh, yeah, and I guess they snatched up all the bottled water, alcohol wipes and hand-sanitizer too. The latter three things I get. Gotta keep those filthy heathen germs off your skin if you don't wanna get sick. I guess Howard Hughes doesn't seem so bat-shit crazy after all now, does he? That's fine.
The turd-wipes, though? Not so much. Has it ever occurred to any of you that MAYBE if and WHEN the fucking apocalypse actually happens that maybe the factories will stop producing turd-wipes? Furthermore ... I should certainly hope that most of you know there was a time when we didn't actually USE turd-wipes. No, we sued leaves. Imagine that. Yeah, I didn't do so well in high school, but I didn't have too. That's one fact I already knew.
I would think that if we are going to return to the dark ages, as so many people seem to think we are, then now might be a good time for us to start re-familiarizing ourselves with all the "rustic" luxuries that such a life-style has to offer. Namely, relying upon nature to provide all of our sanitary needs. But I guess that's out of the question. Nope. We gotta have our fucking double-ply. Don't squeeze the Charmin. And you sure as HELL better not BOGART the Charmin, either.
"Get out of my way. I saw that last family pack of Scott-tissue thirty seconds before you did, asshole. GET OUT OF MY WAY before I ram this feather duster of up your ass. Then you'll never be able to wipe again, you fuck. "
Seems pretty obvious to me that we are not yet quite ready for DOOMSDAY to happen. We are not prepared for the world to "END," as we know it. We need more time. We need more time to become even bigger assholes than we already are.
About that. Many states seem to already be "easing up," as it were, on a lot of the restrictions that were put in place to slow the spread. I'm already seeing an increase in traffic. That's the worst part. Some areas are even "relaxing" the social-distancing. It's okay, I get it. It's been nearly two months. Most people have been stuck in their homes. ALONE. Or if not ALONE, then NOT with their partners. People are horny. People wanna fuck. I get it.
Which brings me to the next glorious chapter in this horrendous fucking mess. PROTESTS. Fucking people "PROTESTING" the lock-downs.
God damn retards. Yeah, I know. I said "RETARDS." FUCK YOU. I don't care. They are. What else should we call them? Running around outside waving their shitty signs that they no doubt made with lousy low quality construction paper and magic markers that they purchased from fucking Hobby Lobby (bunch of dip-shits). Waving their American Flags and their Confederate Flags and their Nazi Flags and screaming, "I'm not wearing a mask. I don't need to social distance. Open up the golf-courses. Open the hair salons. My body. My choice."
Alright then. Fair enough. You wanna get sick? Be my guest.
You wanna die? Great! Good for you.
Wanna block traffic?
Block ambulances?
More power to you. In fact, I'll be happy to accommodate your fucking death wish. I'll give you what you want. Stand in front of my Crown Victoria. You can ride my bumper for a few hundred miles.
How does that sound?
There's a lot less cops out right now, so why the hell not? I'm already pretty much only selectively stopping at red-lights and stop signs as it is. 80+ mph on city streets is MY "new normal." Triple-digits on the freeway has become my new "routine." So, it would be nothing for me to take out a few hundred troublesome sign-wavers that are already endangering people.
So, yeah. I suppose it's all down HELL at this point. The infections are still spreading but the numbers really still aren't that massive when you look at the world's entire populace. Sorry, that's how I feel. At the time of this writing, the WHO page says the number of infected totals LESS than three million. I'll repeat that. LESS than three million. That's the INFECTED. That's not counting the people that have RECOVERED. The number of dead is LESS than 200,000. Again, LESS than 200,000. Those numbers may have seemed HUGE in the year 825-fucking-AD. WorldOMeter.info estimates that as of 2020, we have more than 7.8 BILLION units on this disgusting fucking globe. That's almost 8 BILLION people. 200,000 is barely even a fraction of that.
Make no mistake. Don't misunderstand me. It is a LOT of people dead from one disease and it does suck that it's probably going to be more by the time this is over. It is BAD. Any loss of life is bad. It's sad and its tragic. Especially for those whose loved ones will be among the casualties.
That being said, some doctors have estimated that the total number of deaths will end up rounding out to around two million all over the world. Again, if it ends up being that many, well than that really fucking sucks.
Still ... that isn't even ONE PERCENT of the world's total population. Mr. Spock would probably say something like, "While that number is no doubt tragic ... it is also negligible." Sorry, not sorry. So, calm the fuck down, would ya please?
My point? This ain't the fucking apocalypse. It never was. I think most of us know that now. Let's wait until the fall and revisit those numbers. Hopefully it will be way worse by then. There's a lot of god damn politicians that we could stand to lose to this nasty disease. I won't print their name here. Happy trails. Don't touch your face.
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